Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
