He had one of those small greek statue penises
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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