Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
