Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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