i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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