So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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