Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
