Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
