Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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