I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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