I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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