I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
