Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
