dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
