That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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