Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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