I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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