i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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