I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
