i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
