Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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