At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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