My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
