I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
