I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
