he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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