No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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