So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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