im gay
i know
yea but for you.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
