You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
