Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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