Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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