alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
well most of my day revolves around power hour
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
