we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
