do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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