Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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