Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
