We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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