I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you had me at cake vodka
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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