Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
