Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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