I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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