I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I wear drunk well.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
