Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
