I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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