Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
