The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
