tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
