How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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