I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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