Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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